Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
