got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
