so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
