My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
