Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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