The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
