I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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