I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
