you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
