Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
