I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
