oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
