Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
