Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
