I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
