my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
