I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
