My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
