My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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