Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
