Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
There r osticjed everywhere
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
