Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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