mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
