I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
