K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
