i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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