I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
