I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
