i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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