i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
