im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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