i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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