You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
