I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
