I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
