I am in a vortex of obligation.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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