There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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