you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
