My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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