just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
