I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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