So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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