I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
