shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
