Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i wish my penis had a tongue
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
