Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
