apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
