And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Everyone says I win the strip club
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
