Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
