Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
