I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he shaved USA in his pubs
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
